Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
