I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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