I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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