john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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