y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
