I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
