I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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