I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
