I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
