i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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