My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
