it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize