Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
