someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
