i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
