Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
