Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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