so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
