I think my fart just growled at me.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
