Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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