he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
