I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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