I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
