all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
