So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
