I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
