Just fell off a train. Bad.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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