so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You pole danced in your parka.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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