Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
