Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize