it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
