I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
