pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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