The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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