i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize