Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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