Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
