I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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