May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
