Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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