nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
