I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
