I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
