I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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