I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
