This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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