$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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