For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
