please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
