Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
