i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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