My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
