Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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