What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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