Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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