just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
