you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
